jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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