dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
