when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
