Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
