don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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