By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I AM VODKA MAN
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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