My sheets look like a crime scene.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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