She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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