I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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