I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
