we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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