i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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