He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
