I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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