My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
