I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
