No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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