I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
