Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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