Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
