I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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