I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
