im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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