If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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