do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
