Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
