How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
