so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize