I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
