Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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