she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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