I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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