I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize