I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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