You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize