Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize