My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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