I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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