Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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