sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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