i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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