Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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