man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
