Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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