Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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