WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
