i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
