my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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