Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
