just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm too high and old for this...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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