oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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