My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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