there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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