Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
