SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
