Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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