Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
