two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
