I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
