yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
